simcha

the joy of the Lord remains my strength.

My brain is occupied.

Since graduation, I have been resting on my bed, but my mind is traveling ahead of me.

I’ve been carrying thoughts on everything.
My relationship with God.
My post grad routine.
Love as a romantic feeling.
Love as an emotion.

Prayer. Fasting. Scripture.

And the Word of the year for my Church: The Takeover.

….

I have not been able to finish an episode of a Korean drama.

Four different dramas are lined up waiting for me to press play when I don’t even remember pushing pause. I’m not laughing as hard as I used to. I’m not intrigued. The cringe storylines that once felt comforting now feel painfully slow.

I wonder if I’m outgrowing certain things.

This past week, I have opened my notes app more than ever. Writing meditations. Writing poetry. Reading my own words back to myself to sit longer in them.

I have done hard things.
I have had hard conversations.
I have prayed hard prayers.

But I’m still catching up to all of it

Songs are no longer just songs. Instrumentals have me crying without warning. The tissues on my floor are beginning to pile up. My Bible has stayed opened beside me to sleep and wake up next to.

My Secret Place is still my favorite place to be, and Abba is still the most important person to me.

Life is happening fast. I’ve been noticing how quickly moments become memories.

Journaling has become ritual and survival.

It has been raining consistently for the past 3 days.

I’m here, but not here.
Honest, but not sad.
My joy isn’t loud, but it isn’t quiet either.

I don’t know how else to explain it.